Useless Spells

Enjoy folks!

  1  Acid Trip
  2  Affect Abnormal Fires
  3  Affect Normal Foyers
  4  Air Breathing  (land-dwellers only)
  5  Airshape (like Stoneshape, but with normal air)
  6  Airy Air
  7  Alamir's Freeway Breakdown
  8  Alamir's Fundamental Theorem
  9  Algorhythm  I-III (sp?)
 10  Anger God
 11  Animate Bread
 12  Anti-Anti-Magic Shell  (Pro-Magic Shell?)
 13  Anti-Magic Eggshell
 14  Anti-Magic Magic Missle
 15  Anti-Magic Magic Mouth
 16  Antipathy Orb
 17  Audible Hammer  (of the M.C. variety)
 18  Auditable Glamour
 19  Augmented Chord I, ii, III, iv, V, VI, vii

 20  Bad Lighting
 21  Badly Programmed Illusion
 22  Become Dead  (reverse of Resurrect Self)
 23  Bigby's Assertive Finger
 24  Bigby's Clenched Teeth
 25  Bigby's Critically Fumbling Hand
 26  Bigby's Glove  (colors the various Bigby's Hand spells, no bonus)
 27  Bigby's Groping Hand
 28  Bigby's Hairy-Palmed Hand
 29  Bigby's Insulting Hand  (the second finger is rather prominent)
 30  Bigby's Limp-Wristed Hand
 31  Bigby's Shadow-Animal Making Hands
 32  Bigby's "Shush"ing Hand
 33  Black & White Spray
 34  Blind Self
 35  Bold Monster
 36  Bookworm Blast
 37  Break-Wind Wall
 38  Break the Wind
 39  Bubbling Rainstorm
 40  Burning Hands  (Yours, ouch)

 41  Can Trip (And does!)
 42  Change Elf
 43  Charm Dead
 44  Charm Friends
 45  Charm Groupie
 46  Charm Potted Plants
 47  Charm Self
 48  Charm Undead (X rated version)
 49  Cheeseball
 50  Circling the Square  (i.e. Times, Trafalger, Tiannemen)
 51  Clause of the Lawyer
 52  Clear Audience  (usually follows Delayed Blast Flatulence)
 53  Clone Undead
 54  Clown
 55  Color Safe Spray
 56  Compulsive Disorder
 57  Cone of Bubbles
 58  Conjure Emmenthaler
 59  Contact This Plane
 60  Continual Bad Lighting
 61  Continual Right  (a political spell)
 62  Control Casting Time (controls the casting time of this spell only)
 63  Control Feather
 64  Copyright Shroud
 65  Crass Suggestion
 66  Create Coat Hanger
 67  Cure Animal Hide
 68  Cure Light Winds
 69  Cure Smoked Ham
 70  Cure STD
 71  Current Life
 72  Cylons, 10' Radius
 73  Cymbal

 74  Dalamar's Whoopee Cushion  (things that make you go hmmmm)
 75  Darkness, 15 micron radius
 76  Daylight (material components: must be cast outdoors in bright sunlight)
 77  Deathwish
 78  Deeppocket Lint
 79  Delayed Blast Cantrip
 80  Delayed Blast Flatulence
 81  Delayed Blast Spitball
 82  Demand Blindness
 83  Demi-Shadow Puppets
 84  Deny Reality
 85  Detect Crying
 86  Detect Dead (Yep, he's dead alright...)
 87  Detect Detect Spells
 88  Detect Hound
 89  Detect Lightning Bolts  (area: 5')
 90  Detect Pervert
 91  Detect Pink Bunny Rabbits
 92  Detect Self  (allows you to see if you are yourself)
 93  Detect Strikes and Spares
 94  Detect Tragic  (oooh, theres a sad happening over there!)
 95  Detect Unseen Butler
 96  Detect Visibility (Yep, I can see that)
 97  Detect Weevil
 98  Detect Wind
 99  Differentiate Without Error  (Hey, you never know...)
100  Dimension Doorknob
101  Dispell Nonmagical Reptiles & Amphibians
102  Dispurse Self
103  Doug
104  Doug's Generic Spell
105  Drain Vaccuum
106  Draw Upon Religious Right
107  Drawmij's Court Summons
108  Drawmij's Instant Cake Mix
109  Drawmij's Instant Coffee  (components: hot water and cup)
110  Drawmij's Instant Death  (Drawmij's CON must be about -30 by now...)

111  Earthly Chorus
112  Enchanted Toothpick
113  Enlightening Bolt
114  Enrage Dragon
115  ESPN
116  Ethertalk
117  Evard's Black Growth (range: 0)
118  Evard's Black Testicles
119  Evard's Blue Testicles
120  Explosive Familiar  (it's *your* familiar)
121  Explosive Friends
122  Extension Cord I, II, and III
123  Extinguish Match  (casting time: 5 rounds)

124  Face Grasp
125  Fear of Sunmotes
126  Feather Brain
127  Feather Flail
128  Feign Life  (as if the caster has one)
129  Feign Orgasm
130  Find Acquaintance
131  Find Floor (somatic component: falling on face)
132  Find Hand
133  Finger of Near-Fatal Injury
134  Finger of Plead
135  Fire Alarm
136  Fire Rap
137  Fire Stick
138  Fireball (reversed)
139  Fiscal Projection
140  Fist of Flesh
141  Fleshskin  (range: self)
142  Fool's Lead
143  Foresee Unseen Butler
144  Forget Spells (area: self)
145  Forehead
146  Foreskin
147  Fourier's Transformation
148  Furball
149  Furry Fire

150  Gaze at Reflection
151  Geese
152  Get Flu
153  Get Life
154  Glassteal  (swipe that beermug from that unsuspecting peasant)
155  Globe of Vulnerability
156  Grate
157  Graze reflection  (if someone hurts your knee)
158  Guess Alignment

159  Hair Extension I, II, III
160  Hallucinatory Escape
161  Hallucinatory Train
162  Hand of Skin
163  Hatch Egg (somatic component: sit on egg)
164  Heal Monster  (only works on opponents during combat)
165  Heel
166  Hold Bladder
167  Hold Mustard
168  Hold Self
169  Hornung's Gas
170  Hornung's Police Dispatcher
171  Housefly
172  Hug Self

173  Illusion Debugger  (for Badly Programmed Illusions)
174  Illusionary Crypt
175  Iggy's Invisible Illusion
176  Illegal Thoughts  (That serving wench looks older than 18)
177  Implosive Runes
178  Impress Plants
179  Improper Suggestion
180  Indirection  (address register postincrement)
181  Indivisibility  (The caster is a prime number)
182  Insect Plague, 5' Radius
183  Integrate  (reversible, Differentiate)
184  Invisibility to Inanimate Objects
185  Invisibility to Dead
186  Invisible Talker
187  Irritate Self

188  Kender Summoning I, II, III
189  Kitchen Sink
190  Knock Knock
191  Know Own Alignment
192  Know Person  (in the biblical sense of the word...)
193  Kooshball

194  Legend Bore
195  Legend Lore, Extended Dance Mix
196  Leomund's Condemned Shelter
197  Leomund's Grass Hut
198  Leomund's Mortgaged Shelter
199  Leomund's Risky Tax Shelter
200  Leomund's Secure Chest Cavity
201  Leomund's Sturdy Music Box
202  Leomund's Tap
203  Leomund's Underfunded Homeless Shelter
204  Level Water
205  Lightning Blot
206  Limited Dish  (Sorry sir, the Dover Sole is off)
207  Limited Wash
208  Locate Right Hand
209  Locate Self  (tells you where you are, relative to your location)
210  Locate Tongue  (requires verbal component)
211  Locate Wizard  (the _nearest_ wizard)
212  Lorloveim's Shady Deal
213  Lose Familiar  (Get lost, ya wee booger!)
214  Lower Cholesterol Level
215  Lower Inhibitions

216  Maggot Missle
217  Magic Boomeranging Missile
218  Magic Gristle
219  Magic Missal  (A really boring prayersheet)
220  Magic Moth
221  Magic Orifice
222  Magic Shotglass  (as opposed to Magic Jar)
223  Mail of the Banshee  (victim gets letter saying "Waaaaaahh...")
224  Maize
225  Matrix Addition
226  Mauve Earth
227  Meld, Canasta Version
228  Melf's Acid Bow
229  Melf's Acid Trip
230  Melf's Minute Rice
231  Melodramatic Phantom Defenders
232  Memorize Spell
233  Meteor Swan
234  Micrometeorite Storm
235  Mildly Surprising Grasp
236  Minor Delousing
237  Mistaken Identify
238  Mistaken Thought  (Gee, guys, it _looked_ like a Gas Spore)
239  Moaning Spirit
240  Mordenkainen's Agnostic Hound
241  Mordenkainen's Aroused Hound  (can't get it off of the nearest leg)
242  Mordenkainen's Big Ears (+1 to all hearing checks, ear size quadrupled)
243  Mordenkainen's Bored Cat
244  Mordenkainen's Celery
245  Mordenkainen's Conjunction (Conjunction Junction, what's your function?)
246  Mordenkainen's Faithful Mosquito
247  Mordenkainen's Freeway Junction
248  Mordenkainen's Lubrication
249  Mordenkainen's Sword, -1 Backbiter
250  Mordenkainen's Unfaithful Wife
251  Move Venus
252  Muenster Summoning I-VII
253  Murder Darkness
254  Murdoch's Featherless Fryer  (Verbal component: "Butterball")
255  Murdock's Feathery Pillow

256  Nahal's Banana Peel  (appears under random ally's foot)
257  No Time
258  No Vacancy
259  Nystul's Undetectible Aura

260  Otiluke's Happy Fun Sphere
261  Otiluke's Resilient Ear
262  Otiluke's Room Temperature Sphere
263  Otto's Irresistible Disco-Duck
264  Otto's Resistable Dance

265  Paraphrase Magic
266  Part Hair
267  Pastel Blade of Warm Fuzzies  (9th level Drow spell)
268  Penultimate Fall
269  Phantasmal Fork
270  Phantasmal Morse
271  Phantasmal Thriller
272  Plane XOR
273  Polymorph Mother
274  Power Word Missing
275  Power Word, NO!
276  Power Word, Noogie
277  Power Word, Puke
278  Power Word, Pun
279  Power Word, Smirk
280  Power Word, Spam
281  Power Word, Wedgie
282  Protection from Catnips
283  Protection from Elvis, 10' Radius
284  Protection from Evil Kenevil  (sp?)
285  Protection from Halitosis
286  Protection from Normal Air
287  Protection from Normal Missals
288  Protection from Normal Oxygen
289  Protection from Normal Pillows
290  Protection from Self
291  Protection from Weevil
292  Psychoanalyze Without Error  (Zo, ven dit you shtop lofink your mutter?)
293  Purge Memory
294  Putrefy Offal

295  Rainbow Enhancer
296  Random Casualty
297  Rary's Mnemonic Cancer  (eats away at those favorite spells)
298  Rary's Mnemonic Device  (makes silly acronyms out of things)
299  Rary's Pneumonic Cough (range: self)
300  Read Common
301  Rectum of Retention
302  Reincarnation Door
303  Remove Hand  (yours)
304  Remove Minus Sign (reversible)
305  Remove Nurse ("Good-Byyyeeee Nurse!")
306  Remove Reality
307  Remove Self
308  Remove Strong Language
309  Reservation
310  Rest Erection
311  Resurrect Living
312  Resurrect Self  (problem: must be alive to cast the spell)
313  Reverse Graffiti
314  Rice Storm
315  Rock Summoning I

316  Sepia Cake Sigil
317  Serten's Smell Immunity
318  Sheepskin
319  Shocking Gasp  (usually follows Tenser's Shocking Suggestion)
320  Silence of the Lambs, 15' radius
321  Sleep with Dead  (yuck... unless you're a real Necromancer)
322  SmorgasMorph
323  Soap-on-a-Rope Trick
324  Solid Frog
325  Speak With Boring Monsters
326  Speak With Dead Plants
327  Speak With Grateful Dead
328  Speak With Living  (components: two tin cans and a string)
329  Speak WIth Mud
330  Speak With Self
331  Sucker  (for those of you who actually cast the spell)
332  Summon Allergy
333  Summon Death  (Death arrives and kills the caster)
334  Summon Self
335  Swift Envelope

336  Tape Mount
337  Tasha's Controllable Mildly Unpleasant Laughter
338  Tasha's Uncontrollable Bladder
339  Tasha's Uncontrollable Hideous Daughter  (a.k.a. 'Sela')
340  Tasha's Uncontrollable Hideous Die Rolls
341  Tasha's Uncontrollable Hideous Flatulence
342  Tasha's Uncontrollable Hideous Gesture
343  Tasha's Uncontrollable Hideous Hand
344  Tax Avoidance
345  Taunt a Second Time
346  Teleport Environment
347  Teleport With Lots of Errors
348  Teleport Without Destination
349  Teleport Without Terror
350  Tenser's Double-Sided, Double Density Disk
351  Tenser's Floating Point    
352  Tenser's Formatted Disk
353  Tenser's Gloating Disk
354  Tenser's Shocking Suggestion  (you want to WHAT??!)
355  Tenser's Slipped Disk
356  Tenser's Deadly Resurrection
357  Tensor Transformations
358  This Space for Rent  (fills up space on a scroll or in a mage's memory)
359  Time Start
360  Tonguetwister Change
361  Tons
362  Transmute Ashes to Ashes, Dust to Dust  (priest spell)
363  Transmute Friends to Enemies
364  Transmute Head to Butt
365  Transmute RGB to HSV
366  Transmute Rock to Stone (reversible)
367  Transmute Rock to Jazz
368  Trap the Sole  (see Limited Dish)
369  Turn Friends Into Enemies
370  Turn Pebble  (rotation, not banishment)

371  Undefined Symbol
372  Unenlightening Bolt
373  Unheard Servant
374  Unscented Cloud
375  Unseen Manservant
376  Unseen Pervert
377  Unseen Sympathy

378  Vampiric Breathing  (perfect for harassing phone calls)
379  Vampiric Crutch
380  Varnish
381  Visible Stalker

382  Walk
383  Wall of Dog
384  Wall of Horse
385  Wall of Non-Dairy Creamer
386  Wall of Normal Air
387  Wall of Paper
388  Wall of Velcro
389  Waste
390  Wink
391  Wizard Eyebrow
392  Wizard Lick
393  Wizard Nostril
394  Wizard Stain

395  You Wish!

396  ZX-Spectral Force